dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize