Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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