Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
