that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Houston, we have a squirter
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I love you. Go after that dick
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