You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I lost the right to judge tonight
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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