he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize