I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When did angry sex become our thing?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize