In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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