So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
