I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I still have a little drunk in my system
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
