If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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