I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
