My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
