We're like a lot better than the average bears
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
