Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
