You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
