I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
