Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
