i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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