so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Randomize
