I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
