You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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