I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
