Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
did i walk over a car last night?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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