im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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