so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
