I looked at my own cervix.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
