I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
