Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
