Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
