ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
