my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
