I feel great
I just peed on a car
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
