saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
