I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
