If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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