My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
