I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
