I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
