Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
