that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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