I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
