Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
it glows. i had to have it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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