I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
