I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
