he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
