I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
