I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
