Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
