Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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