Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
