FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
