i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
