my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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