dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
