If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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