wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
