the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
