You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
