after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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