I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
