His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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